I don’t know how to write this.
The baby isn’t okay. It probably won’t be joining us.
We are crushed and heartbroken.
There are a lot of details and confusion swirling around in my head right now, but here is some of it:
At our anatomy scan on Wednesday, we found out that the baby is measuring two weeks behind and has very low fluid levels. They suggested a placenta problem, since my first trimester screening came back negative, so chromosomal problems are less likely. I felt blindsided. I had worried about not feeling the kicks much, but chalked it up to anterior placenta.
We saw an MFM specialist this morning and he basically confirmed what the other doctor told us, but made it even more grim of an outlook. My fluid levels are extremely low and the growth restriction means the placenta isn’t doing its job (the other possible reason is pre-eclampsia, but he’s doubtful of that since I haven’t had that problem before, but asked me to pay attention to headaches).
It’s most likely the baby won’t make it the next few weeks or will be a very very sick and early baby (after weeks or months of bedrest in a hospital) with potential long term health issues.
We are going back in two weeks to see if things have improved (if the baby continues to grow), but he was clear that he rarely sees this problem this early with a good ending.
He was very kind and said, “There is absolutely nothing you did or didn’t do to cause this. This is bad luck.” I appreciated him saying that. Of course I had wondered. Did I not drink enough water? Did I lift Theo too much? Did I…? Should I have…? But also, how did I get so unlucky? I hope I am using up all my bad luck.
So now we wait for what is likely the end of our time with this baby. The one who I just today saw moving around on the screen like a normal little fetus, putting its hands on its face and wiggling around…is probably going to die.
I have no idea how to do this.
I wish I didn’t have to.
I don’t want to be strong. I want to have a normal pregnancy and get to have a baby.