The physician assistant smiles at me.
“So tell me about yourself.”
“Well, I’m pretty boring, health-wise-“ she laughs. I take a deep breath and try to be breezy, “Except for pregnancy. I have, uh, I had a son and then two miscarriages, then another son, then lost a baby at 21 weeks in April.”
Her face crumples into sorrow and pity. “I’m SO sorry.” SHE looks like she’s going to cry, “Oh my gosh, that was so RECENT.”
I burst into tears and nod, unable to talk. Ugh, stupid surprise grief punch. I hate these sneak attacks because they take me from feeling like Regular Me to feeling like Sad Me.
I was Sad Me for a month or two, when thinking about grief and loss were pretty much all I did, but now I’m much more back to Regular Me. Sad Me is part of myself now, but it’s hard to figure out how to combine the two without letting Sad Me pull me into a spiral for a few hours or days.
– – – – – – – – –
I’ve mentioned before that I’ve never been one comfortable with entering into others’ grief. I feel like all these losses are trying to crack open my cold heart. If one good thing comes out of all of this, I hope I can be more sensitive to others grieving any kind of loss. I think I’m going to write a post about what to do when your friend’s baby dies.
– – – – – – – – –
There are other things going on in my life than just not having a baby in 2-3 weeks like I was supposed to.
- We are moving! In two weeks! To a city we love! (Only 30 minutes away. Still in MA) It’s another condo in a MUCH more walkable area (half a mile from a million restaurants, coffee shops, public library, yoga studios, etc). The process of finding it was long and frustrating, but hooray! We have a new home! I’m really excited to be excited about where I live again.
- Work is in a super slump. First, I was nauseous for three months. Then I was devastated for a few months. And now we’re moving And whooosh, 2016 is just speeding by as a really rough year for me, work-wise (and life-wise, I suppose). This is the time I can be grateful I CAN scale back and not lose my job, but just dial it up when things are more stable for me. (Like after we move and I get myself some child care.)
- We decided to homeschool Gabe for kindergarten! (Just for now, I think public school is great and important and he will totally be going some day.) He’ll be doing a nature program one full day a week and an art class another day and then I’ll fill in the gaps. I’m really excited to be in an area with lots of alternative options – the public schools there seem great, too, and get the kids outside every day. So whatever happens, I feel good about it.
- I think this was the longest I’ve ever not blogged. I really wanted to blog more through my grief, but my grief was just…too private to share so much. Support groups and therapy have been my blogging.
- I discovered Yoga with Adriene and it’s my new favorite. I know! Last person on the internet to find her!
- I am also LOVING Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. I know! It sounds terrible, but it’s SO good. It’s delightfully quirky and witty and somehow…feminist? It’s seriously awesome.
- I haven’t read a novel in a while and that makes me SO sad. The last book that I loved was Big Little Lies. It was wonderful! But I’ve been really lazy about actually sitting down and reading. Once I start making goals again: READING.