The "Right Time."

This isn’t the right time to have a baby.

It just isn’t.

Mike will be starting a PhD program this fall and I currently earn 75% of our income. My job provides our health insurance.  I always thought work would be optional for me when when we had kids one day; that it would be a choice to go to work if I wanted to. It seems like *so* many women are able to do that. Nearly all of my aunts, mother, and 99% of the moms on the “mommy blogs” I read stay at home and take care of their kids. Then, I saw this post this morning, and I wallowed for a minute. This isn’t a choice for us. It isn’t a matter of living more simply or getting rid of a car or downsizing to a smaller apartment – we’ve done all that – it’s just impossible to live with 80% of the poverty-level wages.

I think it’s the lack of choice that’s the hardest for me – because honestly? I think it will be good for me to get out of the house, see other adults, and have a sense of routine to my days. I love my job and I feel successful at it. I’m expecting to work full-time, but hoping and praying we’ll be able to finagle part-time. And it’s looking as though we’ll end up in the same city as my family – which means my sister and mom will be close and cheaper than day care.

We said we’d wait until next fall to start trying stop avoiding pregnancy. But I have a feeling that wouldn’t have felt like the right time, either.  I think we’d have postponed things a little longer, slightly freaked out by making such a huge decision and slightly worried about financing a new addition to the family. Mike is going to be in school for four or five more years before he gets his first post-PhD job. That’s four or five more years we might have postponed starting our family because the time just isn’t “right.” Though, it’s never an easy time to subject yourself to a financial burden, sleep deprivation, and full-time responsibility for a tiny little human, of course.

The “right time” is a myth, I think. A myth that forces us to put on hold what we most desire – whether that’s a career change, a relocation, a baby, returning to school, or getting married. We put these things on hold for the wrong reasons. We’re told we need to have x, y, and z in place before we go after what we really want.

I got married right after college – and so many people told me I was too young; that I should wait – live life! be single! be young! “Why settle down? What’s the rush?” For them, being twenty-two wasn’t the “right time” to get married. I have never once felt “settled down” – I just feel like I get to spend lots of time with my favorite person in the world. If I hadn’t married Mike right after college – I have no idea where we would have ended up. Likely not together. I would have stayed in my college town, and he would have gone to grad school in another state. We would have lived our lives separately – and probably wouldn’t have stayed together. We were 2,000 miles apart for a year and that was more than enough long distance relationship for me.This added stress is undeniable – but as long as I have someone who hugs me and whispers, “I know you’re worried about money, but I promise you it will all work out. We will make it work and it will be amazing,” I think it will be worth it.