Hello Dear Friend Who Hasn’t Had Children Yet –
Hi there! I’ve been meaning to write to you for awhile with some advice and thoughts I have for you, my friend.
First, I want to ask you to sleep. Sleep a lot. Take advantage of sleeping in and sleeping all night and just…sleep. Don’t worry about feeling guilty about it. When you have your first child one day, you’ll be like, “Dude. I am so glad I slept when I could.” I know, I know, it’s totally cliche, but totally true. I didn’t realize how much I took sleeping through the night for granted. (This doesn’t apply to you if you have crazy pets that mess with your sleep. You poor thing. Why did you get that crazy cat, anyway?)
Do lots of things you’ve wanted to do before having kids, but don’t worry if you can’t do them all. Fly to Europe for two weeks. Backpack the Appalachian Trail. Drive out west. Skydive! That said – life won’t end once you have your first child. We still travel with Gabe – to our alma mater, Asheville, New York City, and the beach in his first year alone. Travel is definitely still possible, just not as fun when you have to stop to change dirty diapers, nurse a screaming baby, and so on. I need to travel for my mental health (probably a side effect of growing up overseas) – so I will continue to tote Gabe along places…even when it’s slightly less comfortable than staying at home.
Go to fancy restaurants and stay out late. If you’re into that sort of thing. Gabe has been to restaurants and bar-type restaurants since he was a week or two old – and for the most part, it works out great! But some days, he’s being a fussy toddler and going to our favorite Thai and sushi restaurant is just not in the cards. So, go now when you don’t have to worry about anyone’s crankiness but your own.
But don’t be stupid with your money. Sure, you don’t have kids now – but you’ll be so thankful when you have kids someday if you are without debt and have generous savings. It will enable you to work less and spend more time with your peanut. Even if you know you want to work 60 hours a week after having a baby – having savings and no debt is smart.
Go braless while you can. Random, but true. (This does not apply to men. Your body won’t change after kids, you lucky dog.)
All of this might seem like I’m telling you how much having a kid ruins your life, but really, I’ve found that it’s not as big of a transition that I expected. Having a kid changes a lot less than you might think. I can still do much of what I did before – go out to eat, travel, run, and read. Sure, there are less movie theaters and bars in my life – but now I have a reason to visit children’s museums and the zoo! Also, everybody has different reactions to becoming a parent – so if you’ve seen someone completely change after becoming a parent, know that the same thing might not happen to you. Don’t be scared. Okay, maybe be a little scared.
It’s okay if you don’t want to have kids. I mean, really. Just because I have one doesn’t mean I think you should have one. Well, maybe, but that’s only because I want to make you an awesome mom friend.
About sleep. Please be patient with our preoccupation with our child’s sleep. Imagine being a scientist with a tiny test subject. Your goal every night is to maximize the test subject’s sleep. You test your hypothesis (earlier nap, room’s too hot, room’s too cold, earlier bedtime, etc etc) and await your results. If your hypothesis is proven wrong, you have to function the next day while sleep deprived. Now imagine doing an experiment after not sleeping. It’s not fun. And you start to feel a little like you are a bad scientist and have no idea what you are doing. It gets better. Way better. And we’ll stop talking so much about sleep eventually.
A few notes on being an awesome friend to a new mom – we’re sort of scared. Come and visit us. Bring cupcakes. And Starbucks gift cards. And a hug. Nothing has changed between us as friends – there is just a new baby in the picture. We’ll return the favor someday. Ask us how the birth went, if you’re not too scared. New moms are processing a whole lot of stuff that happened in a very short time. Love our baby even when it looks like an alien-slash-raisin. It means so much when you are excited to see our child.
It’s worth it. If you think you might want to become a parent but are worried about how it would affect your marriage, if you want to become a parent but the idea terrifies you, if you are scared of pregnancy and sleepless nights – let me tell you that being a parent is freaking awesome. Yeah, there are some diapers to change. And sometimes you don’t get enough sleep. But when your son tells you “Wub you Mama” for the first time? Or your newborn baby smiles at you for the first time? It’s like a joy you’ve never known was possible. (And you are capable of saying incredibly cheesy-but-true things like that.)
Love,
Your Friend Who Has a Toddler and Likes to Give Unsolicited Advice
PS: This is all true of having one child, but I make no claims about having two or more. Having a second child changes things, I imagine.
Several months ago now I was chatting with Amber about wanting to have kids eventually but not being ready at all, and saying that bloggers never help me feel more ready because many of them become crazy when they have kids haha- she told me to read your blog because she said you are awesome and having a kid has not made you crazy :) I am so happy I did because I have loved reading your blog ever since. However, today I feel like this was written to me personally. I really think you are the first person who has told me it’s not going to change your life THAT much and it’s still possible to do at least SOME of the things (travel especially) that I love to be able to do. I also appreciate you telling me what to do for my friends who have a baby because I have several and I definitely do not know what I’m doing, but I’m trying!
Kelly, I second Ashley’s comments: becoming a parent doesn’t HAVE to change your life all that much. I think it’s really the parents who choose to let parenthood dramatically change their lives … and if that’s what they want, that’s fine. But, we started taking our son out to noisy restaurants and outdoor concerts and gatherings with friends when he was very young. He’d often sleep right through it (at first), which was awesome (and we attribute to why he can take a nap whenever, wherever we are – he isn’t tied to his crib and darkness and silence – phew!). What we’ve realized is that save a few things we can’t do with a child in tow (hang out in bars until midnight?), we can do almost everything else. The only thing that has changed for us is that we can’t pack in as much each day as we used to be able to. Now, it’s something in the morning and something in the afternoon/evening and that’s it … and sometimes even that is too much. For us, it’s all about flexibility and figuring out what works and running with it! We are so confident in what’s been working for us that we’re planning a family trip to Europe when our son will only be 3.
Ashley, bravo. Nicely written letter – though, I wouldn’t get guys’ hopes up that their bodies won’t change. For some, there are far too many sympathy pounds to lose after becoming a father. =)
Yay! Thanks for this welcome news. I very, very rarely go to bars until midnight anyway so that shouldn’t be a problem to give up :)
Kelly – I am so incredibly flattered by that! I am really, really glad that you’ve found any bit of comfort in my words – I do think that every person is different when they become a parent, but Nilsa is absolutely right – some people CHOOSE to let it dramatically alter their lives, and that’s totally a legit choice. But it doesn’t mean that will happen to you!
I was TERRIFIED I’d suddenly stop caring about current events and keeping up on issues I am passionate about based on an interaction I had with some family members who were young parents. “We only know what happens with the Wiggles!”
I laughed with them, but panicked “WHAT. OMG. I CAN NEVER BE A PARENT.”
Thankfully – I had some other fantastic examples of how to be a person who has passions AND a parent. :)
Sometimes I think my friends with children will prefer to be with their family instead of wanting to get a cocktail with me…I really will ask them to hang out more and not feel bad about it!
I do want to have kids soon..I am 27 and want kids by around 30…so I better start crossing some more of the big things off my list like going to Europe!
Oh, definitely do! I think you’ll find that sometimes we’d LOVE to hang out – but maybe we’re afraid we’re less relevant as a mom. It’s weird. But true!
I love having my girlfriend over for wine after Gabe goes to bed when Mike is out of town. :)
I love this post- I always nap on the weekends because I know my time to enjoy those lazy days are numbered! Though I’ve been doing that for about five years with that rationale, so maybe they weren’t “as numbered” as I initially thought ;)
Oh, I’m so glad you liked it! :)
Five years of napping sounds about right – since you’ll be losing five hours of sleeping-whenever-you-want eventually. ;)
Yes to this. I also think its funny, a LOT of people have commented on what a “laid back” parent I am. But I can’t imagine being any other way? I can’t be stuck in the house all day, so I take Sadie with us everywhere. Her naps don’t dictate our schedule. We’re traveling to Virginia in two weeks (6 hour car ride – whooo boy!).
I know there’s things I wish I could have done before she was born, but some of those things I can still do – just altered a bit. Or wait until she’s old enough, and then go to all the good places without her, like my parents did to me (still bitter).
:)
Word. Laid-back is easier on my life.
Eventually, we started trying to be home for Gabe’s nap (once he turned one and only has one nap a day – he is a bear if he misses it!) – but we don’t sweat if we’re out of the house for a party and he doesn’t get a usual nap. YOLO! ;)
So true, and I am mother to 3! The 2nd changes things even more but by the 3rd, it was really not much more work. The sleep deprivation is one of the hardest aspects for me. I miss my sleep!
I am afraid of having a second almost more than I was having my first! When you have MULTIPLE children, your sleep is even more disrupted. Ahhh!
As someone who is 5 weeks away from popping out a baby…this was really reassuring. Thanks!
I’m so glad! You will do great. xo
Ashley this couldn’t have been written at a better time. Matt and I have been having lots of future baby talks and all that jazz lately and this just solidifies everything I’ve thought. Well mainly the enjoy sleeping, eating, traveling without worrying about a little one. This post doesn’t scare me but I feel like prepares and it’s just so good and I love hearing how you and Mike make it work with Gabe, it gives all the future moms out there like me lots and lots of hope. :)
I’ve read your blog for a while now and loved this post. I think the reality of parenting is that life of course changes when you have a baby and grow your family, but to some degree it only changes as much as you let it. I left my job to be a stay at home parent and my husband and I had just moved to a new city where we knew no one, so of course our lives changed dramatically, but not all because of our little ones. I was the type that always knew I wanted kids young so I could be young still when they left home, hopefully enough energy and maybe money? to really go see the world and do things I couldn’t as a young parent. It all depends on you and how you choose to parent, oh, and little bit the kids you’re dealt :o)
You know, maybe its because I have 2 kids now that your blog post about Mom Friends rubbed me the wrong way. Okay, so here is some unsolicited advice for you since you have one child only. If you get more kids, you might be grateful for friends by default, like those moms you talked about who aren’t interesting to you. Having two kids can mean that you have less time to devote to making for real friends, and you have to take adult conversation when you get it, and you have to glean kid-raising advice from mom-faux-friends. So please don’t be so mean about those mom-friends that didn’t interest you. Maybe I would have interested you one kid ago, when I had more time and brain power to invest in conversations about me and you and not my kids or family life anyway. I think the switch to being in charge of more than one life made me change how I view myself and how I view others and how I view friendship – there are purposes for all things in life, even superficial friendships about toddler bed time routines.
Thanks for writing this! I’ve been struggling with baby fever lately, so I reading this post will help me to put that baby fever on lock down for a while! ;)
This was so sweet and adorable! I “Awed” at the end! :) And…it totally makes me miss you and your tot and I want to plan a visit SOON! Oh, and since I do not have such a wonderful excuse (yet) to visit a museum or zoo, feel free to drag me along! ;) I will even change diapers!
I have to say that my cat only lets me sleep in in the morning if I don’t speak. As soon as she hears my voice, she thinks it is her clearance to jump on the bed, walk on my chest, and beg to be fed. Yet, I imagine, that cannot compare to nightly feedings. Parents are awesome for all that they do! I can’t wait to have my own peanut someday!
Hmm, some people seem to be projecting up there, but ANYWAY…
I agree on all points! Especially about traveling with a baby. Listen, I’m a homebody and could stay at home every weekend, BUT we have done a fair share of both plane- and car-travel with LG and it’s fun and surprisingly easy. Well, the plane trips usually suck because SOMEONE won’t nap if being help (weep!), but you know, once we get there, it’s fun to travel with a kiddo.
Also, I am definitely of the strap ’em in and go variety of parent. Bars, wineries, restaurants, wherever…From one week old, we brought her along everywhere and she was great. (Note the past tense…She is not so great these days!)
Anyway, I don’t think motherhood has to change you that drastically. (That was my biggest fear, that I wouldn’t be Sarah anymore. But I am! And with a cute baby, now, so even better!)
i’m just gonna print this out as a checklist, mmmk? ha! no but seriously, I think part of the reason I am not a mom yet (aside from the OBVIOUS reasons) is that I love sleep! And I’m still pretty selfish with my “me” time. But it gives me hope one day that I can be a mom and still be ME, because you’re doing it so well!
Ha, awesome post! I just discovered your blogs a couple of weeks ago (love it!) and this is my first time commenting! My best friend is pregnant right now so I especially like your tip on how to “treat” new moms! The rest is just hilarious and really good! :-)
You should do a post on kids in bars. I know a couple who believes very strongly that they should be able to take their baby to any bar as long as it’s before dark. Lots of other people find it uncomfortable. I guess I fall somewhere in the middle. I need some convincing!
I love this post, and I wish more moms would read it, too. I don’t have a child yet, but I kind of cringe and hate it when my mom friends say things like “you’ll get it one day, when you have a child” in regards to always being late, never talking about anything except their child, etc. My goal when I become a mother is to be as laid back as possible, to take my child with me when I go places and to help my child be as adaptable as possible. I don’t want my entire identity to be about being a mother, so this gives me some hope that I can make it what I want it to be. XO
I love this honestly open letter. As a girl without kids but with plenty of friends with children, this really helps put a lot of things in perspective… so thank you!
What an awesome letter. So honest, so true and so funny.
“ove our baby even when it looks like an alien-slash-raisin.” That made me laugh out loud!
Your humour is utterly heartwarming.
Ronnie xo
You are the cutest mom ever!! I hope to be half as cute as you. I realized when you mentioned the bedtime thing, that we are culprits of keeping you out later than Gabe should be and I’m SORRY!! You and Mike are awesome parents and I loved reading your advice…hopefully it’ll come in handy when I’m not “purposefully postponing having children” LOL!!
You are so adorable. I have started reading your blog while pumping at work for my 10 month old, and I wish I had begun reading it 2 years ago when we started trying for a family. Thanks for making me smile, cry, and think as I read about your adventures and try to learn for my own life path.
-Amy