A few weeks ago, there was a church service at school and I sat among students in the large gym. About halfway through, I realized I could only hear myself singing; none of the students around me were participating verbally at all. Instead of embarrassing me into silence, I just shrugged. It struck me how glad I as to be 27 and not 17.
Working with high school students, I get to see how much their actions are affected by their peers – it’s more acceptable to be apathetic and aloof than to be enthusiastic and warm. If I should ever get nostalgic for my Big Suburban High School days, spending some time with high school students cures me quickly.
And to be honest – there is still a bit of that wanting to fit in I feel around some people. Pretending I care about something that I hate. Pretending I don’t care about something I love. Pretending I’m not a giant dork. I can concern myself so much with what others are thinking about me that I forget to think for myself.
And that? Is a tragedy.
Some people are quite the opposite – they want to appear different, so they are perpetually defiant of the opinions of others. You know the type. We all have our own struggles in coming to embrace and be ourselves.
It’s not an excuse to say, “This is who I am. I will never change. Why try?” But rather, deciding to accept myself – strengths and weaknesses, and not wear a mask depending on who I’m around. Not be afraid I’m not religious enough for some people, or that I swear too much/not enough, or whatever for whoever.
A Dozen Truths about Being Ashley*:
I absolutely, positively adore terrible music from the 90’s. Nsync, Hanson, the entire Dawson’s Creek soundtrack, 98 Degrees. And I also like rap and hip hop music, particularly from Nelly.
I don’t care about celebrities. I probably still wouldn’t know that Michael Jackson died and Kim Kardashian got divorced (or married) if not for Twitter. When I watched the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, I knew about 2% of the celebrities. And felt like most of them looked younger than I am. Which makes me feel like an old curmudgeon.
Going to bed early makes me happier than just about anything. I am hardcore not a night owl, and since I am inevitably going to wake up early (HI, GABE), I love to be in bed by 10. (It rarely happens. But when it does, Mike and I like to high-five each other.)
NPR is my radio station of choice. I have no idea what music radio stations play, since I rarely listen to them.
I don’t like television dramas. I like exactly two dramas: Gilmore Girls and Big Love. I adore reality television in the form of the Food Network, Project Runway, and HGTV. I can’t stand those stupid housewives shows. I think they make women look like catty idiots. (But I am obsessed with The View. I’ve watched pretty much every episode since this summer. I like to reason that they discuss current events, and it balances out my obsession with NPR and documentaries.)
I am neither an introvert nor an extrovert. Or, I am both, rather. I require a lot of alone time in order to feel human. ‘Alone’ now includes Mike and Gabe. If I have more than one or two plans for a weekend, I feel overwhelmed and overscheduled. But I also really like striking up conversations with new people and get energized from doing it. And I get loud and interrupty when I’m excited.
I don’t enjoy drinking very much. I’d rather get together and eat brownies or drink coffee instead of hang out at a bar. I don’t really like the feeling of being drunk or the way I feel the next day.
My taste in novels, like music, isn’t always refined. I like Jodi Piccoult novels (gasp!) and have never been able to force myself to read an entire Jane Austen novel.
I prefer to surround myself with positive, down-to-earth people instead of bitter, self-absorbed people. It’s more fulfilling and less draining.
Instead of smiling or staying quiet, I speak up when people say things that are racist, sexist, heterosexist, etc etc. I used to feel like I was taking things too seriously or uptight if I spoke out, but I can’t condone even ‘harmless’ offensive language with my silence.
I find reading books more restorative than spending time on Twitter.
I have big dreams. I want to be big things and do big things and travel and live in far away places.
I am a goofball.
*from The Happiness Project
Gabe’s “WTH, Dad” face is priceless!
And I love your recent self-disclosure/discovery posts! I’m definitely feeling inspired to do more introspective posts instead of just “what I did today / yesterday” posts or memes, which I feel are primarily what I’ve been writing lately. So thanks!
Love this post! I too, have never read a Jane Austen novel and I was an English major in school! (This makes me feel like a fake English major sometimes).
Becky, I’m right there with you–English major who’s avoided Jane Austen like the plague. I feel that way about a lot of “classics.”
I’m right there with you on the early bedtime, NPR, most television dramas (my favorite shows are competitive reality shows, comedies, and Gilmore Girls of course), not drinking, reading, and speaking up (my husband says I’m TOO honest sometimes).
But I kiiinda care about celebrities (although I don’t know why!), have more literary taste in books (not saying that to sound superior, it’s just what I enjoy), and don’t have the biggest dreams…I enjoy my little life. :)
I agree with so many of these, that I want to high-five you.
Early bedtime is such a delicious luxury, and I don’t even have a kid!
Love this post :) But wait, 10 pm is early?!? Here I’ve been thinking that I’ve been going to bed late …
I find I struggle a lot more with who I am now that I’m married than I ever did in high school. Everyone knows Nathan and I struggle with being the wife in the shadows. I want to be comfortable being who I am and doing what I love but I still feel this pressure to be the crazy involved, stereotypical “pastor’s wife” that I feel people expect.
We have nothing in common.
Adore you just the same. ;)
(Love this post!)
This is why we’re friends. So many similarities. Totally stealing this idea for a post, btw.
I loved this, Ashley. We’re very much alike. It’s good to know that “not being a party girl” and “going to bed early” is not just MY thing :)
I love this post Ashley!! I’m only 22, but I look back on high school and I’m already like “wow, did I really try and fit in with those people? WHY?” I’m so, SO much happier today, embracing my weird quirks.
Just yesterday, one of my managers kindly poked fun at the fact that I’m a bit of a perfectionist and can’t handle when I’m not doing something 100%… And it kind of came off as an insult, but a confusing one. I was like wait, so you want me to do less work? You want me to do less of a good job? By nature, I am rather OCD and I like doing things right. When I was in high school (and still, I catch myself doing this) I would make it seem like I really didn’t care about something, but I really did. Now? I just like doing things properly and I don’t see why I should be ashamed of it!
SO glad I’m out of high school. I almost forget how I got through figuring myself out in that place!
I love how we’re practically the same person. Except for the part where I enjoy a couple of beers and talking about trashy celebrity culture, but I consider that research. :-)
I do notice how awesome Gabe’s face is in that picture. Actually, it was the first thing I notice.
I just turned 25 and so far it has been a good year. Nothing particularly exciting has happened I just feel more like myself. It is as if a switch was turned on. Now I feel comfortable with myself. More often than not I don’t care what other people think of me. I will car dance in public, full out arms raised cheer in public (its actually one of my signature moves ;) ).
Just like you I am both an introvert and extrovert. In fact, I am exactly how you described yourself.
I’ve stopped covering up the fact that I am very enthusiastic and passionate. If I like something you are so going to hear about it. Even if it isn’t ‘cool’
Pretty much I see myself in everything you posted. It’s always nice to know there are other awesome people out there :)
It is amazing that after all this time, I still find the need to feel accepted in College, even though now I know I will probably never speak to most of those people when I graduate, just like in High School.
It is hard to have courage to stand up for what you believe it when you are around people who feel differently, so that is awesome that you do that. I have to say, that happened with me once when we were talking, and I felt so bad, but it’s good because you are encouraging others to be more compassionate and better people. I literally will never forget that day.
Not to get all corny, but you shouldn’t worry about proving how religious you are when you are living like a good person (or christian or fill in the blank) by being yourself and encouraging others not to speak ill of a certain group of people or anything else. Wouldn’t it be nice if other people were not so judgmental?
I think staying true to yourself over time is very important. You are very inspiring.
Thanks for sharing and being so open! I hope I can be as brave as you someday!
Oh, and how funny is that face Gabe is making!? Ha.
Great post! I am also neither an introvert nor an extrovert. I crave and NEED alone time (which also now includes Eric and the pets) haha but I also become extremely energized from spending time with people and having conversations!
Thank you. This post was just the kick in the pants I needed these past few days. I’ve been a bit down on myself lately for not being as good of a designer as other people I have met recently, for not being as cool (or should i say hipster-y) as other people I have met recently (you guessed it, same people)… And, I’m 38. You’d think stuff like that wouldn’t affect a 38 year-old. So, I will make it a point to embrace me for who I am and what makes me me :) Yay!
13 years after h.s. graduation, and several months after a divorce, I can say I’m generally pretty happy being my dorky self without much regard to fitting in. But I probably fit in better now because people appreciate authenticity. I still know when to keep my mouth shut (when it just isn’t worth it), but I rarely pretend just to play nice. I think a lot about what people think of me, but it’s almost always in retrospect after I’ve realized I’ve done something stupid and I’m second guessing myself. The only leftover from my h.s. insecurity is my choice in clothing. I always wear boring, safe clothes because they’re comfortable and I’m too worried about looking stupid. It’s my one hang up.
This is such a great post, Ashley. I’ve heard you mention The Happiness Project before and it sounds like the perfect book to read while trying to come up with some New Years resolutions :) I just ordered a copy!
Also, who says N’Sync and 98 degrees are “terrible”? hehe. Their Christmas albums are definitely on my playlist :)
Oh, good! I hope you enjoy it!
Wow I wrote a similar post a little while ago, but left it as a draft, I will have to go back and post it! I so envy people who are comfortable being themselves. My husband is a perfect example of this. I feel that even at 32 I struggle to fit in some times. Thanks for the reminder to be ourselves!
I go to church and believe in God, but some times feel like I hide this fact as to not bother my friends who don’t believe. I shouldn’t be ashamed to say I believe, its not like I’d push my opinions on them. That’s probably the biggest thing I “hide”.
Gabe’s face is great!
have i told you how much i love this blog? bc i do! i can relate SO much to this post–I think about who I was a few years ago and sometimes I cringe…not that I was bad but I just wasn’t allowing myself to be 100% me…something’s changed in the past few years. I don’t care what others think (most of the time, ha, still a work in progress). I am embrace who I’ve been created to be. I own me. I like that! :)
Thanks for sharing!