Involves new hairstyles, eating my feelings in sugar form, and buying my kids matching clothing.
I haven’t been sure what to write about here anymore. I feel like I’m 32, surely I shouldn’t be publicly journaling and sharing my thoughts, right? I’ve grown past that. Need to keep those thoughts and feelings private.
And yet.
Here I am. Sharing and being open – because so much good has come out of my sharing here in the past. So many friendships. So much understanding and connection.
In the wake of my world being shaken and tossed upside down (not to mention, a week after the election!), I wasn’t sure how to share here. Do I write some pithy post about why we’re homeschooling Gabe or my favorite productivity tools when most of my mind is being preoccupied with figuring out who I am and where I am going and how to be this new version of myself in the world?
Not quite yet. Soon.
In the meantime,
I’ve been rebuilding my life in the aftermath of a year that held unimaginable pain.
I’ve been connecting with people who get me. Who get what it’s like to be broken. Who are able to share pain and struggle and be real and honest and vulnerable. No more fake people who pretend everything is great and under control. As a result, my relationships have deepened.
I’ve been busy trying to find my roots in our new community and where we want to be in the future. We absolutely adore where we live, though struggle with some aspects of it. I’ve been wrestling with what that means.
I’ve been continuing to work and have been so thankful for my work. So thankful for the opportunity for creativity and problem solving and connections that come through this job that I’ve created for myself. I feel like I’m really good at what I do – both the actual work and the relationships with my clients – and it’s been nice to feel that sense of confidence and normalcy amidst everything else.
I’ve been doggedly pursuing medical answers as to why I had two 20-week stillbirths last year. As my friend says, people rarely die without an explanation, so why don’t we have more explanations for why babies die? So far, the answers haven’t been encouraging, but it feels good to talk to smart people about my incredibly complex reproductive history. (Recurrent pregnancy loss – both early AND late? I’m a medical mystery for real.)
I’ve been seeking answers for what it looks like to end fertility with two traumatic losses. There’s many blueprints for having “hope” after loss, for that “rainbow baby.” Society loves a happy ending. But there are very few stories about people who had babies die and then just stopped having babies. What will that mean for me? What will the path look like and how will I be healed with a newborn baby I so craved and wanted in my arms? Will I be able to shake the messages I grew up with that “just” having two kids is selfish?
How do I exist as this broken, hurting person in a world where people are constantly celebrating pregnancy and babies and siblings and families?
I’m not sure, but I am finding inspiration and hope in hearing about other people who have endured hardships, who have struggled, who have experienced horrific losses – but manage to survive and thrive. I don’t want to be told how strong I am. I don’t want to have to be strong.
So, that’s where I am.
Still thinking of you often and sending tons of love. xo
Ashley,
Been following you for years and so sorry to hear about your losses. When reading this most recent post I wonder how your dental health is. I work in the dental field and sometimes unknown inflammatory burdens can lead to health problems. Have your oral bacteria checked maybe as a possible link to your overall health. It isn’t widely talked about and can go unnoticed. Wish you luck and healing.
-Amissa
I have no words for anything here, except that having ANY number of children – from 0 to 20 – isn’t selfish. I’m one of 2, and I’ve never been anything but perfectly content with having “only” one sibling. My sister and I are a great duo, and have a relationship I hope for my 2 girls. And, yes, I’m “only” having 2, and I feel in no way selfish for that decision. I know I’m only an internet stranger, but I give you full permission to shake that guilt once and for all!
I have not been through the heartbreak that you have, but since my Dad died in 2013, I’ve really struggled with a lot of decision making and life stuff as he was my sounding board. I totally understand the need to talk about the grief and feelings with others- it’s such a relief to me when people share their grief/loss experiences because it makes me feel more normal, which is odd to say, but society definitely puts a timeline I think on how long grieving is “allowed,” which I didn’t understand before, but totally understand now. I appreciate your candor and openness with your experience because I think speaking about loss is something that is not done enough. Every person’s experience is so different, but having more people speak about it helps all of us, no matter who we have lost.
Happy to see you post, in whatever way feels right to you. I’ve experienced grief through losing my dad at age 27. I found connecting with others who have been through a similar experience helped. I was, and still am, unapologetically real about what the process of grieving has been like for me and where I am now, things that are still hard, how things change, etc. I can relate when you say you have deeper, more authentic relationships. Platitudes don’t go very far in helping. Thinking of you and your family and sending Internet hugs. <3
I’m so sorry. I wish I had something better to say, but I don’t know what you do say to that kind of loss. Thank you for sharing your heart and your hurt ❤
Thinking of you a whole lot friend & sending so much love. xoxo
You’re amazing Ashley and I applaud you for being so open and making yourself vulnerable through this tough journey. <3
Dear Ashley,
I would appreciate a post or comment answer about why you are homeschooling Gabe and how you do it.
I live in Europe and have a small child that I love very much.
I am amazed at how early school starts here (in some countries, school is mandatory starting from the age of 5, but many parents put their children in school at 4 years old!) This is more advantageous for parents who work full time than kindergarten is because school is free and funded by the government while most kindergartens are private.
To me, the school schedule, which is mandatory, is too long. It starts at 8-8.30AM and ends at 3-3.30PM or even 4PM, with a lunch break of 1hour-1 hour and a half.
I find this too much for a child in primary school (aged 5/6 to 10 years old).
When do children have time to live their childhood, with more free and unstructured time? When do children have time to bond with their parents, or at least with one of them, if school last longer than the time children get to spend at home (awake)?
In Europe, homeschooling is rarely done and it is not legal in all countries. I could move to a county where home schooling is legal, but I wouldn’t exactly know how to do it and if it would be effective coming from me who am not an educator.
I am not against formal schooling, but I don’t agree with the very long school schedule (followed by homework, too!) which, in my opinion, doesn’t leave time for children to live their childhood and overburdens them.
Any thoughts, please?
How old is Gabe? Did he go to any formal school? Will you enroll him in a formal school in the future and if so at what age? What are the school hours where you live?
Thank you.
Best regards.
Me too! I would love to read about homeschooling, tips and tricks, best books, sites, resources and how to measure progress.
And I am so sorry for all your losses. I also don’t know what to say, but send you my prayers.
I am so very, very sorry for your losses. I have no answers, just so much empathy.
Hello, I came across your blog by accident. Just want you to know a few things. One is that both of my grandmothers had mothers with more than 20 pregnancies. Only my father’s mother survived on one side, and my mother’s mother was one of 5 who made it to childhood and three who made it to their 60’s. That’s how it was back then.
You should not feel guilty for having less than 2 children. We are over 7 billion people on the planet. If anything you should feel guilty for too many children.
I’ve worked with many children in the system who would love to be adopted. Some of them come from other countries, some have abusive parents, but everyone wants a shiny new baby. Why not adopt or foster a child in need?
Hi Jenn – I don’t disagree with what you’re saying, but also find it pretty hurtful to come across someone sharing their heartache and tell me that 1) shouldn’t be sad bc lots of people lose babies, 2) should feel GUILTY for having my own children, and 3) should adopt.
I…wow. I don’t even know where to start. It’s not helpful or compassionate and completely invalidating.
Such a great personality you are. Really, it is tough to go through the tough situation and back from that with strong attitude. I think, you are the inspiration for all of us.
I don’t know what to say, just that I’m listening, reading, and crying with you. Hugs.
xox
First, I am really sorry about some of the comments on your blog. They are hurtful to me and they’re not even directed at me.
I just found out I’m about to have my third miscarriage (fourth, if you count a very early chemical, which for some reason my doctor doesn’t). Some people seem to think I’m selfish for grieving because I do have a healthy daughter. But I’ve dreamed of giving her a sibling since before she was born. After years of infertility and miscarriage, I think I have to come to terms with it probably never happening. I don’t know how to handle coming up short as a mother to her on top of grief and guilt and hopelessness about the deaths of my babies.
I am so sorry if this comment isn’t helpful or makes you sad. I just feel so alone and broken, and your blog made me feel a little less so for a while. Thank you for writing.