The physician assistant smiles at me.
“So tell me about yourself.”
“Well, I’m pretty boring, health-wise-“ she laughs. I take a deep breath and try to be breezy, “Except for pregnancy. I have, uh, I had a son and then two miscarriages, then another son, then lost a baby at 21 weeks in April.”
Her face crumples into sorrow and pity. “I’m SO sorry.” SHE looks like she’s going to cry, “Oh my gosh, that was so RECENT.”
I burst into tears and nod, unable to talk. Ugh, stupid surprise grief punch. I hate these sneak attacks because they take me from feeling like Regular Me to feeling like Sad Me.
I was Sad Me for a month or two, when thinking about grief and loss were pretty much all I did, but now I’m much more back to Regular Me. Sad Me is part of myself now, but it’s hard to figure out how to combine the two without letting Sad Me pull me into a spiral for a few hours or days.
– – – – – – – – –
I’ve mentioned before that I’ve never been one comfortable with entering into others’ grief. I feel like all these losses are trying to crack open my cold heart. If one good thing comes out of all of this, I hope I can be more sensitive to others grieving any kind of loss. I think I’m going to write a post about what to do when your friend’s baby dies.
– – – – – – – – –
There are other things going on in my life than just not having a baby in 2-3 weeks like I was supposed to.
- We are moving! In two weeks! To a city we love! (Only 30 minutes away. Still in MA) It’s another condo in a MUCH more walkable area (half a mile from a million restaurants, coffee shops, public library, yoga, etc). The process of finding it was long and frustrating, but hooray! We have a new home! I’m really excited to be excited about where I live again.
- Work is in a super slump. First, I was nauseous for three months. Then I was devastated for a few months. And now we’re moving And whooosh, 2016 is just speeding by as a really rough year for me, work-wise (and life-wise, I suppose). This is the time I can be grateful I CAN scale back and not lose my job, but just dial it up when things are more stable for me. (Like after we move and I get myself some child care.)
- We decided to homeschool Gabe for kindergarten! (Just for now, I think public school is great and important and he will totally be going some day.) He’ll be doing a nature program one full day a week and an art class another day and then I’ll fill in the gaps. I’m really excited to be in an area with lots of alternative options – the public schools there seem great, too, and get the kids outside every day. So whatever happens, I feel good about it.
- I think this was the longest I’ve ever not blogged. I really wanted to blog more through my grief, but my grief was just…too private to share so much. Support groups and therapy have been my blogging.
- I am also LOVING Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. I know! It sounds terrible, but it’s SO good. It’s delightfully quirky and witty and somehow…feminist? It’s seriously awesome.
- I haven’t read a novel in a while and that makes me SO sad. The last book that I loved was Big Little Lies. It was wonderful! But I’ve been really lazy about actually sitting down and reading. Once I start making goals again: READING.
So glad to have your voice back in the blogging world! Twitter posts weren’t enough. ((I would occasionally check up just to make sure things were as okay as they could be))
I find the grief is like waves, sometimes they feel like you’re liable to drown and other times… manageable, but always present.
Internet Hugs and Well Wishes to you and your family
Glad you are back!
I get caught off guard at doctor appointments too. I’ve cried at almost all gyn appointments. Even when I go into it telling myself I am fine.
We’re homeschooling Jay this year too.
I love Crazy Ex Girlfriend!!!
Welcome back, I am so glad about the new digs and that they will fit your style so much better!
Hugs on the rest, my friend. And gentle hair pats.
xox
Been thinking of you! <3 So excited for you guys to move somewhere you will love, that you can walk to things. I would love it MORE if you were moving to the town I teach and I could be Gabe's teacher but I guess you are a second best ha ha… kidding :) Let me know if you need any help.
I like your description of sad you, regular you, and the times sad you come "back" is pretty much a summary of grief for so many people.
I’m glad you are OK. I’ve been thinking about you. XO
Seeing you post again makes me happy.
Your descriptors of your sad self and normal self are something I can relate to, as my dad passed away just over a year ago. Very aptly put. Wishing your family a smooth move and transition to your new neighborhood.
This feels like weird encouragement, but I’d love to read a post about what to do/not to do when a friend loses a child. I had a friend lose her 3-month-old daughter a few years ago, and at the time I spent hours and hours online trying to sort out what were the right things to do, say, etc. I’m incredibly fortunate to never have experienced the loss of a child, miscarriage or otherwise, but I want to be the kind of friend that steps up in the best way when it does happen.
Have you read Tana French’s novels? They are delicious, and there are 5 of them (#6 is coming out soon, I think), so they’ll keep you occupied. I recommend reading them in order. However, the first book does involve the disappearance of 2 children, which isn’t a central focus but is part of the plot, but I’ll leave that to you to decide if that would be triggering to you or not.
I have so many things to say to this, but mainly, HUGS. All of them. And sweet mercy I wish we were in the same city. Not just so I could give you hugs, but also because your boys are my favorites.
But really, I’m so glad that you’ve been able to find support groups and write and just, yes. I won’t even begin to imagine what you’ve been going through, but I’m glad you’re making your way back. And yay for the move! And yay for Gabe in kindergarten (although really, STOP IT!). Also, I loved Big Little Lies, her books are so great!
Also, more hugs. All of them. xoxo
Great to see a post from you Ashley! Keep looking after yourself, doing what’s best for you and your family.
I’ve been reading short stories and essay collections lately because I’m not in frame of mind for novels either. Currently re reading the runners guide to the meaning of life by amby Burfoot, which is a quick, sweet little read. Hope you get your reading groove back soon!
I am so glad you are excited about your new home! I also just discovered Yoga with Adrienne! I wanted to recommend her to you actually! Yoga has helped me a lot through my own hard times including anxiety and the blues. There are still times I have to talk myself into actually getting down on the floor at home, but if you have a yoga studio close by you should definitely try it out! I always leave the yoga studio feeling so much more refreshed than anything I can do myself at home. It’s just a whole different atmosphere. I really think you would like it! Thinking of you! *hugs*
I should try the yoga studios here – there are several within a mile of us now! I just need to try them out – they can be so intimidating sometimes!