I am gone on a retreat/vacation in the middle of nowhere, Massachusetts. While I’m gone, I’m sharing posts from the archives.
This was originally posted July 11, 2008.
Update: Three years later, I think my friend situation has improved, happily. Though I largely atill identify with this post. Add a child to the mix and OH MY, things are different. Not to mention attempting to make mom friends I identify with…
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Okay, it’s really not all that melodramatic.
Yesterday I was lucky enough to see an old friend from college. I hadn’t seen her in FOREVER – she was two years older than me, so the last time we’d really hung out was, oh, three or four years ago. We got to talking, and the subject of friendships came up. How many we have, the difficulties of meeting people post-college, our (un)happiness with our amount of friends, and so on.
It’s been on my mind for some time now and I make it no secret that I WANT MORE FRIENDS. I’ve moved around lots – but I’ve always had friends. Great friends. Friends who support me and love me and who I need. I could point to the many “root causes” of why I have no one to watch silly girl shows and go see Enchanted or make fudge with – I could point out my flaws and the faults of others. But, really, I just want friends.
The conditions for a friendship slump are ripe: combine with the fact that we’re proper grown ups now, with long work days and few vacations with the fact that I’m married at age twenty three, and voila! Ashley needs girlfriends. (Or guy friends, definitely love those, too!) There are some things I don’t get about being an adult, namely: How The HECK Do You Make Friends? and: Why Is Going Out to Bars All Everyone Ever Wants to Do? (Don’t get me wrong – they cab be fun, just not the optimal place to hang out, in my opinion.)
To be honest, marriage has proved to be somewhat of a deterrent for potential friendships. Mike is, hands down, the best friend alive. We binge on Ben and Jerry’s together, watch Project Runway together, and dream about the future. But we both acknowledge the fact that our relationship would benefit from our friendships with others. I don’t know what it is – do people think I can’t hang out by myself? That being married suddenly makes me want to be attached to my husband’s hip? That I probably just want to make dinner, clean, and be with home attending to Mike’s every whim. Seriously – what is it?
We’re not even looking for couple friends – we just don’t really need that. We have one guy friend we hang out with all time here – it’s great! We just go on bike rides, eat dinner (mmm, he loves Thai and sushi so you know we get along), and watch movies together. Pretty simple. He’s not a third wheel at all and we absolutely LOVE having him to hang out with. Why can’t more people be okay with that? We’re friendly! And fun!
Okay, have I totally made this into a pity party? Because I don’t want it to be. It’s just that I don’t get it. Does anyone else have problems making friends again as a 20-something? How the heck do you DOOO it?
Because I really miss this:
I got married at 23, too, and while it’s great, I definitely miss other close friendships. It started even before I was engaged, even though I have a pretty large group of friends, they’re mostly all single and hang out together as single people. But I’m just as much fun now as I was when I was single! It’s gotten better in the last year, but I definitely don’t have as many close friends as I used to.
Have fun on your vacation!
God, I miss having friends. SO MUCH.
I was just thinking about posting something about adult friendships but got distracted. I agree with everything you have said but I also agree our “standards” for friendship also mature as we get older. So piggybacking on the difficulties of making NEW friends, I also find myself shedding friendships that have gone stale and it does make me nervous that I don’t have enough friends to make a fun sitcom out of my life BUT the friends I do have…are so frickin’ priceless.
Another thought – my sisters are also the best of my friends and I also think they have set the bar high for what a “true friend” embodies. (Hint: not passive aggressive nor out right rude/mean behavior)
I think there is something lacking in our society. It seems like people either keep themselves too busy or they are too independent to reach out to others and form good friendships. I think it’s particularly hard for men to make good friends. I’ve seen this in my husband’s friendships. This post makes me so appreciate the lovely friends I have!
Oh my goodness I identify with this SO much! After school I moved to town where, though it’s not small, EVERYONE knows each other, grew up together, and is generally related in some way or another. I still have my best friend from high school, but she lives three hours away, and now being married with babies, things just aren’t easy like they used to be. It feels like everyone already has friends, and isn’t looking for more. I find that I have to go out and really look for friends, whereas before, it was effortless. I’ve had some luck through my work, and play groups, and through a college guy friend who married a great girl. And then through her, I’ve met some others. But really – this is just something I never foresaw because when you’re younger, you’re surrounded by peers. It makes me feel so silly, like the 15 year old who’s desperate for a boyfriend, to be actively seeking friendships!
I can identify a lot with this. When I first moved out on my own, I would occasionally go to dinner with my roommates and all their friends for birthdays. When it came time to pick my bridesmaids for my wedding I realized I don’t have that many girlfriends. I don’t have the ten loud, girly 20-somethings to take out for a night on the town. It’s okay, it’s not that I don’t like my friends, it’s just that sometimes I wished I had had a normal bachelorette party instead of my “let’s go out for coffee” non-bachelorette party because my bridesmaids were so tame.
Also, we thankfully haven’t had a deficiency of friends. All my husband’s friends weren’t scared off by me and will still hang out especially during football season. A lot of my friends from high school are still around too, but I see them seldom. I miss all of them. It’s so different now. But the good news now is that most of them are getting married so it isn’t as weird to hang out as couples anymore.
I don’t know. I just know that anytime I hang out with someone at a party who I talked an unusual amount with I really try to grab them for coffee or something because I want more people in my life. One of my friend’s bachelorette party was so much fun because for the first time in a long time I was in a room with about ten other girls my age who are all married young and live in this area. Got some serious girl talk in and it was so refreshing. I just have to make a conscious effort to do more of that and be available for social things.
Thanks for posting this. I can’t speak for the other commenters but it’s nice to hear someone acknowledge this. It makes me feel less crazy/lonely. :)