I have a pair of denim capris that I’ve owned for six years and I feel fat every time I wear them.
I put them on and, without fail, I have some major muffin top and belly bulge. I never feel that way with my other jeans. I mean, sure, I have some trouble areas that I know are not perfect, but I don’t feel quite as aware of them as when I’m wearing these particular jeans.
Every summer, I pull them out and put them on and feel kind of gross. And then I sit down and I feel even more gross (tight waistbands magnify in terribleness when you try to sit down). Instead of throwing them away, I just end up wearing some loose flowy top with them to hide the bulges that appear.
I hold onto them, thinking maybe they should be some kind of goal, like, maybe I should aspire to be able to look good in these pants. But the thing is, I bought them six years ago and I never really felt good in them – they always felt a little tight and the material was all wrong and cut and fit were just off. But instead of noticing that, I noticed the way that they made me feel and thought there was something wrong with me for not looking good in them.
So, I held on to them and they always were so uncomfortable. Every summer.
I was telling Mike about the pants and he said, “Well, just get rid of them. You don’t usually feel bad about your body, but you put on this pair of pants and feel bad. So, the pants are the problem, not you.”
And it’s kind of embarrassing that it took me six years to learn that lesson. It made me wonder what else am I holding onto out of a sense of what I feel like should do or should be or should aspire to?
Some people stay in relationships that aren’t working or stay at a job they hate for six years.
We all have had friends who make us feel bad after hanging out with them. Those toxic friends who we have to walk on eggshells around and we fret “Gah. I hope I said the right thing!”
We tell ourselves, “Maybe if I’m just a better friend, it will work out. Maybe if I work harder. Maybe if I’m a better girlfriend. Maybe I can solve those problems if I change everything about myself.”
Those things are all worth trying (well, maybe not the last part), but if that job still sucks, it’s not your failure if you go find another job that might be a better fit. In fact, it’s the opposite of failure. Sometimes things just suck and it’s not always your responsibility to fix them.
Maybe I’m taking this analogy a little too far, but I think some people blame others when things don’t work well and some blame themselves. (I’m sure if you asked Mike, he’s say I blame him too much when we bicker), but I also tend to think, “I will do everything in my power to make this work.” Like those pants. Or if I have a client who I really should part ways with amicably if it’s just not working out, if they’re just not respecting me and my work and are constantly trying to squeeze every penny out of me. Instead of just being all, “Okay, it’s cool. You don’t get what I do and hopefully you can find someone who’s able to take care of you because I just don’t have the time right now,” I try even harder to make it work, which negatively affects my other clients.
All of this reminds of some thing I recently found (who knows where, but I’d pin it on Pinterest if I were that kind of girl):
This totally called me out when I stumbled across it. It gave me the kick in the pants I needed to put into motion something I’ve been wanting to do for some time.
But more on that later.
YES, YES, YES. Love this, and your face. Screw those pants. You’re beautiful.
Ugh, I need this message so bad!!! I’m completely a self-blamer, and it’s been really bad the last 6 months or so… like, soul-crushingly bad. My expectations for myself are so high and my expectations of others are so low… gotta fix that! Also, pretty sure I’ve lived out that exact same saga with an item of clothing, haha. Amazing how sometimes you just need someone else to point it out to you!
LOVE THIS, Ashley. I mean, seriously, we all likely have things we’re holding onto when we really just need to let go. Sometimes it’s material things. Other times it’s relationships. And sometimes it’s feelings, grumpy feelings, that just need to be released to the Universe. Can’t wait to hear more!
YES. I love this. And I’m proud of you.
I love those things that seem so obvious once you’ve realized them. This is a good one.
This is such a great post and I’m SO going to pin that quote haha- I am that kind of girl :)
I am bad at letting go… I admit it. Thankfully I tend to make relatively good decisions in the first place so this hasn’t served me terribly as far as jobs or relationships go. That being said- I’m still bad at letting go. I’m working on it.
As I was reading the first few paragraphs I was thinking “Get rid of them, girl~ just GET RID OF THEM!” So glad you figured this out and I sure hope those pants are gone by now… That is a real life lesson! If something doesn’t fit your life, find a way to get rid of it. Pants are relatively easy… some things, like jobs & relationships will take more effort to gain your freedom.
That said, there’s nothing wrong with trying to make something work… sometime we do just have to make an effort. But if it doesn’t work, then it has to go~ No need to feel bad or guilty. In fact, you should celebrate those victories!
Great post. Letting go is one of the kindest, most honest, and healthiest anyone can do. Especially for those of us who are self blaming. It takes courage and strength (and a lot of working out the how’s and why’s in one’s life), but it is so liberating. Setting boundaries and letting go = freedom to be finally be happy and truly LOVE yourself.
It was wonderful when I finally threw out those damn jeans I wore in high school, knowing my body is now stronger and able to conquer much more than that skinny teenager was able to. What was more wonderful? Cutting out people who hurt me or who chose not to look within themselves to grow up and also move on with me.
Hugs and yes yes yes to this post.
Loved this story – soooo true! Also , the quote , was very timely, to say the least.
Heheheheheh. I have pants that make me feel that way, too. And reading this made me happy, because it is time to cut them up and craft with the material. Stupid pants.
Get rid of the pants already! You have the internet’s permission :) Really, though, the image/quote you found is perfect. You don’t have to give anybody or anything a reason or an excuse to do what’s best for you. It’s not defeat if you get rid of a pair of pants that make you feel uncomfortable. It’s not mean if you let a friend go who’s making you feel like a bad person. I try to think like this: If I had a friend who was in my position, what would I tell her to do? It was that way of thinking that helped me realize that I needed to get out of marriage.
Love this – it kicked me in the (fitted and flattering) pants, too! Finally (at almost 30!), I’m realizing the same thing! Life is too short and precious to be wasted on ill-fitting pants, toxic friends and all of the ‘shoulds’ in life.
I love this whole story from top to bottom. I have some things like that in my life, after trying, trying, trying and trying so more it’s just not working out for one reason or another and it usually results in me being super upset about something.
Very curious about what you have in motion. And love that Law you shared with us. I think we all need to pin it (manually) to our desks, planners and fridges.
I LOVE this and I can so relate! I think we all have something that we’re holding on to, that we seriously need to get rid of. Throw away those pants girl!