Shhh, I Have A [Blog] Secret to Tell You!

I fell in love at 18. I loved Him so much but I walked away from Him one day because there was nothing else I could do. I knew He was dating someone, I was dating someone. We lost touch. I got married, never forgetting Him. Wondering about Him. Still loving the memories of Him. Wanting Him to be happy in life. Wanting to hear Him talk to me one more time. Be careful what you wish for. I ran into Him. We exchanged phone numbers. We talk occasionally and I’m still every bit in love with Him as I was when I met Him. He still has feelings for me too. Life is complicated. We could never be together without completely rearranging our lives. My husband has traits of Him but will never measure up. I hate that I compare them. I hate that I dream about Him frequently and when I wake up it’s torture to realize he’s not there. I wish life was simple and what I know is right in my heart could be my reality.

At the end of my college career I had gained considerable weight. I could no longer fit into any of my clothes. I weighed 138 pounds. I had always been athletic but my metabolism was changing and my eating habits weren’t. At my yearly doctor’s appointment he told me I needed to lose weight to lessen my chances of diabetes, kidney failure and high blood pressure. All things that had afflicted my mom and papa, both who had died young. I didn’t take his advice to heart at first. But I was miserable that I no longer fit into my size 5 jeans. I had planned a trip with my BFF. We had always been the same size but while my weight was ballooning she couldn’t keep any on. I was insecure with my body and jealous of hers. Our trip should have been a blast, but it was anything but. She had changed and didn’t want to do anything. Maybe she didn’t want to do anything because I was being a complete bitch because of my loss of self-confidence. Our trip was a waste and we ended up not talking for over six months. I apologized but I always felt horrible. We have since patched things up and she is once again one of my best friends. (If you are reading this I am truly sorry for that trip to MB.) I went to the doctor’s the next year and was urged again to lose weight. I started exercising regularly and watching my portions. I dropped down to 125 pounds and was so proud of myself. Today I’m maintaining the weight I was when I was in high school. I’m happy and it’s not because I’m thinner but because I feel healthy and strong. Now that I’m at my ideal weight I’m so afraid I’ll gain it all back. I don’t want to become obsessive about it but I don’t ever want to feel like I did 3 years ago. It was like I was in a dark hole with no one to talk to. Weight is a funny thing. Almost like politics or religion. I didn’t want to offend any of my friends or have anyone patronize me. You know the “oh you’re not fat, look at me” blah blah blah. Losing weight is a lifetime commitment. Once you get down to your ideal number you have to work every day to maintain it. I just take it one day at a time.