I listen to NPR a lot, which means I hear a lot of news. Which means I hear a lot about the economic crisis and foreclosures and underwater mortgages (ie: when homeowners owe more on their home than the house is worth.)
As a big fan of metaphors, I came to the realization today: I own an underwater life. Not in the sense of money, but in that I have more to do than I have time to do it. I’m suddenly overwhelmed in a crushing way. I try to stay positive. To take action to reduce my stress. I try to write out everything I have to do on a giant to do list, but the guilt of all that is left undone weighs me down.
For a few months, I’ve been happily treading water, but I’m now sinking slowly. And not just in the sense of, ‘Wow. So much to do, so little time!’ but also in the sense of how I am treating others and how selfish I feel sometimes. Stress begets stress. And ’tis the season for stress!
The facts are these:
- I have a dozen emails marked as ‘reply required.’ Some of them are months old. One is three years old.
- A few clients completely slipped through the cracks. I don’t even know how it happened, but I feel like a failure.
- I’ve been choosing annoyance and gossip over patience and kindness, which leaves me bitter and unhappy.
- I am overtired constantly.
- I need to do Big Things like promote my business, clean out of my computer, and declutter our whole apartment (yes, again), but have no idea how to start.
- Holiday travel and gifts are stressing me out more than they are bringing me joy.
- I am snapping at Mike for every little thing. (I am too polite to snap at the rest of the world, but I have been so grumpy I JUST MIGHT.)
- I am frustrated that I never seem to have time to sew or read or watch television these days.
- I start to feel like I am pathetic for being overwhelmed when I only have ONE child and worry that moms with lots of kids also think I’m pathetic for feeling like it’s all too much.
- And then I feel guilty for being overwhelmed when so many are struggling with Actual Real Problems.
This afternoon was a little better, despite today’s persistently gray skies. After multiple attempts to even write a to do list were thwarted by Gabe, I resigned myself from getting anything at all done and spent time with Gabe as he practiced walking (clapping for himself every time he falls, of course) and blowing bubbles outside on our balcony. As he burst into laughter each time a bubble burst, my heart felt just a smidgen lighter. As much as I can get frustrated that I don’t get much done with that little guy, I am so lucky to have him. I’d tell you how much meaning he gives my life, but that would just be corny, right?
I don’t want to be in a constant state of overwhelm. I want a simple life. I just want to bake bread, go for long walks, make our food from scratch, sew, laugh with Gabe, listen to podcasts, be kind, blog, read books, have less stuff, love Mike, and be filled with joy.
And sometimes, my life really does resemble the life that I want. But, lately? Life is just moving at breakneck speed and I’m not catching up. Honestly, I don’t know if I want to catch up. I sort want to just quit all the extra stuff and focus on what’s important. What I want my life to be.
I’ve felt really similarly lately — completely overwhelmed. And this: “A few clients completely slipped through the cracks. I don’t even know how it happened, but I feel like a failure” happened once or twice.
It makes me wonder if I’m in the right place, you know? And that simplicity… sounds SO NICE.
Oh, lady. We are such soul sisters.
I feel so much better seeing that someone else isn’t on top of email, either. There is a lingering dozen emails that I know will require a long, thought-out response (aside from the other 50 in my inbox) and a few of them are over a year old. So embarrassing at this point…I even wonder if I should respond because AWKWARD.
I also hear you on the Big Things. I think that my problem is that I feel like I’m drowning on days when I don’t even do that much, so I’m afraid of taking my creative endeavors to the next level. I mean, how will I manage anything else if I already feel like my brain is melting with only a few items on my to-do list?
Taking those moments to just live without worry are the most important. Truly. Just staying in the moment and enjoying the loveliest things in your life.
Hugs!
I have a relatively low-stress job. I WORK FROM HOME. In my pajamas (I haven’t had to “get ready” for work in three years). My live-in boyfriend is in grad school and is lucky enough to not have to work. Between the two of us, we have two humans, one dog, and one house to take care of (read: zero kids). And yet we are always worn out and running short on time. I’m pretty sure there’s something wrong with me in particular. I seem to need more free time than other people in order to thrive. My life is soooo easy yet I some days I can barely cope. (This is just to say that you are doing a fantastic job. Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s totally, 100% OK to not get everything done. No one does.)
I really don’t think you should feel bad. I think many of use go through those kind of phases (and I don’t even have a child – what excuse do I have? ;))….. maybe it’s the reminder to take things slow, to prioritize, to make time to the things that are really important.
Sure, things fall through the cracks, but with everything we have to keep up with these days, it’s almost humanly impossible to meet everybody’s expectations (including our own).
Hugs.
You are *so* not alone in this. I think many women feel this way – probably men too, but women in particular are experts at the whole expectation of “doing it all”. I don’t even have kids and have been feeling the same way for months – for whatever reason, life is overwhelming sometimes, and it seems to always be relative to your current situation. Each new situation forces us to prioritize and drop some of the things we used to never dream of not doing, and then each new set of demands stresses us out to the point where we must again re-prioritize.
Just know that it will settle down some time. You will make time for things that you really cherish and let other things fall aside; it’s the learning not to feel guilty that’s the difficult part. Life’s too short to feel guilty about all your choices!
You’re right, it’s getting to be the season for this – stress instead of joy, and that’s never good. I’m a list maker too, but I would suggest making a list of things if you don’t do it that day it’s going to keep you up at night – and prioritize from there. I’d include things like “kiss Gabe ten times” on there too to make sure you’re not taking yourself too seriously. :)
I know what you mean! I am getting my masters and working full time and I end up grumpy and snapping at my bf when he asks me to cook dinner. It makes me feel bad that all I want to do is catch up on some reality tv and take a bath and not take care of anyone else for an evening. Maybe its all the rain and clouds lately. Hang in there!
I’m glad you posted this, and I’m glad so many others are saying they feel the same way! This year has been so much more than I could handle and at the end of it all when more kept piling on I had to remind myself that I don’t have to do everything. Yes, the soup kitchen needs help fundraising, BUT I am neglecting my family (so what if my family is currently hubs and a dog). So I let things fall through the cracks because at the end of the day (and in the bigger picture) there are some things that are just more important…like sanity. Srsly.
That doesn’t quite help when you’re smack dab in the middle of a whole buncha stuff, but when more rolls in (like Christmas and holiday asks) people will understand if you buy less, give less, make less, etc.
Sometimes we try to be “Super Woman” and do so many things that there is just not enough time in the day to complete them all, or do them in a way that we can call perfect. But no one is perfect. We are all human. We forget things, but who can hold that against you when we all mess things up sometimes and feel overwhelmed. As you can tell you are not alone. Sometimes even just knowing that will make you feel better. But all in all, make this holiday a time for the things you love most. Maybe take a break from some of the extra stuff and fill that time with time to catch up on a favorite show, or take Gabe on a walk with Mike so you can enjoy some peaceful family time. Call up a friend you have been trying to catch up with and have a girls night out or in. The truth is that sometimes our ambitions get the best of us and we try and do too much and burn ourselves out. So take some time for you, then one by one e-mail a person or two back a day, (or more?) and maybe that will help things get done if you only tell yourself you have to do a little at a time instead of seeing the whole giant list. Hugs for you! Maybe we could catch up sometime over x-mas break? But please don’t feel bad if you are busy (or not busy) and just need some relax time!
I am so glad to hear that I am not the only person in this state of mind. It’s like you said, you snap at Mike (only) because you are too polite for the rest of the world to see it. My husband also gets snapped at – and this morning I realised I was irritated with him because I simply did not have answers to his (not at all unreasonable) questions. I feel like a failure with my housework – I don’t even have a child and I STILL manage to fight an uphill battle of having to declutter our very tiny apartment. It’s like cooking and cleaning and all things beautiful has become a drag – I really want to do sewing, but find myself not at all motivated to do so. So, today I decided I’ll put one item on my to-do list, and tomorrow two, and thus work it up that way. Otherwise I feel completely overwhelmed by the sheer volume of all that needs to be done. And I am making decisions to cancel / eliminate those aspects which sours my life, e.g. not get upset for having to get up early in the morning to take my husband to work and get back to my own work on time. And not always cooking dinner or doing the dishes, that does not have to be the end of me. So good luck with the procuess of uncluttering your apartment and finding the time AND energy AND motivation to do all that is required!
Make sure you take care of yourself. You can’t always do everything you want or even think you should be able to do. It will break you and that will benefit no one.
I found myself not only underwater but buried deep below the waters bottom years back. I was working 4 part time jobs, 2 were once a week, one was 3 times a week and the 4th was pet sitting jobs almost everyday including the mornings and nights on the days I was doing the other jobs. The miles I put on my car were nothing compared to the miles I put on myself. I was broken and not myself for almost a year after I quit two of the job, not to mention how I was for I don’t even know how long when I was working them. I still get flashes of what will happen if I have to work more one day, I currently have 1 part time job, and I am basically scared to work now, I have learned to say no though, that helped a lot. Things pile up before you realize what’s happening, I loved every one of my jobs but I just couldn’t do them all. It really sucked letting go of all the animals I had become friends with and even helped raise some of them, all the jobs were animal related.
Just a brief comment re: the stress of holiday travel. Don’t do it. Stay home! Seriously! You won’t regret it. Having a little one is the perfect excuse to just enjoy some quiet little holiday time just between the three of you. It’s what we did once we had a baby, and that Christmas at home was the most relaxing Christmas yet. I highly recommend it.
I am right there with you (although sadly I do that sans baby – at the moment anyway). I wish I could say I can handle my extra part-time job, grading essays every night, and still got to run, hang out with my husband and my puppies…but lately – I can’t find the time! You’re doing wonderfully. Just know that there are others of us out there going through the same thing. I find it reassuring myself to know there are other people as overwhelmed (or more so!) than me. Makes me feel a little less crazy.
I have an 8 month old and I feel the same way! Its hard to justify not having enough time (like you said since there’s only one baby involved), but seriously I feel like I only get the slim window of when my daughter is napping.. imagine what it must be like with more than one (someone will always be awake!)