My love-dislove relationship with social media
I love and use social media daily. Hourly, really. It’s useful, it’s fun, and it’s full of great, supportive, funny people. The problem is, as a result, I have an acute awareness of what other people’s opinions are on any given subject. From breastfeeding to racial tension to Hilary running for president. Social media gives everyone and their mother a platform from which to opine and there are one million articles dissecting current events and everyone posits their take on the matter.
I don’t always want to know what my coworker from 10 years ago or a stranger on the internet is thinking.
We say things online we wouldn’t say in person
Would an acquaintance sit down next to another and say, “I think it’s just terrible that you let your child sleep in your bed.” Or, “You know what the problem is with this country? Single moms/immigrants/people who aren’t exactly like me.” I don’t think so. And yet, when I scroll through my social media feeds, I encounter a deluge of opinions and declarations about The Right Way to Do Life.
When I first became a mom, I thought the moms were divided and judgmental. Formula vs. breastfeeding. C-sections vs. unmedicated births. Co-sleeping vs. sleep training. Working vs. stay-at-home. And that’s because the internet was So Opinionated. When I started hanging out with other, real-life moms, I felt and saw no judgement at all. There was only acceptance and vulnerability. No one was making declarations about The Best Way to Parent. Everyone was just commiserating and supporting.
The voices in my head
“Ugh, another post about decluttering. So high and mighty.”
“She is a terrible designer. I can’t believe she does this for a living.”
“Her blog is so boring now. Blah blah blah kids work blah.”
“She knows nothing about X! Why is she blogging about that? Who does she think she is?”
Similar to how social media has made us more aware of the bad things that happen to others (kids die, people get cancer, spouses cheat, friends have miscarriages), it’s also made me more aware of what, exactly, someone on the internet would be talking behind my back about. Why they’re rolling their eyes at me. I shouldn’t care. And yet.
When I was younger, there was a voice that would tell me that I wasn’t pretty enough or skinny enough. “See her thighs? That’s what yours should look like.” Happily, that voice went away as I got older and more confident, but now there’s another voice. (There’s a voice in my head, yep.) And it’s telling me how wrong I am and how annoying I am and all of my shortcomings. It’s because I have the constant noise of reading other people’s criticisms online.
The constant chatter of social media isn’t always critical. Sometimes it’s the weight of other people’s’ joys and sorrows. Reading the moment by moment stream of consciousness of hundreds of people is…well, it’s tiring.
Obsessed with documenting
And the noise, the constant chatter of social media streams isn’t the only reason I need to take a break every year. The other part is to break my addiction to sharing. My obsession with documenting.
I go to the park with my kids and think about how I can capture the *perfect* picture to accurately portray how much fun it is. Not to impress anyone else, but to be able to look back on these days and remember clearly what they felt like. (And then, yes, I share it because Instagram is my scrapbook). I feel this internal pressure to document exactly how things feel and how wonderful they are for posterity sake. That pressure can be distracting from just being. I think about how glad I’ll be to have all of these photos and videos later, but will I also be sad I didn’t just enjoy the moment?
(Side note – I stopped following parents on Instagram who seem to have IG-perfect photos. ALSO. How in the world do you get perfect photos of young, wiggly children without spending hours of your time forcing them to hold posses in natural light?? I’m baffled.)
It is ironic to blog about taking a break? Oh well.
For these reasons, I’m really looking forward to stepping away from the holy trinity of social media – Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, for a month (maybe more?) and stepping toward my kids without a phone in my hand. (Except when I’m trying to get directions, because Lord knows I can’t get anywhere without Google Maps.)
All of this is a little embarrassing to share – that I’m distracted and my head is a chaotic place because of the time that I spend online. It’s embarrassing to admit that I have to literally deactivate my social media accounts in order to not use them, but there it is. Gabe asked me if we could take a walk “without your phone” the other day. I think this break is needed.
This is my fourth year of taking a month-long social media break in the spring. You’re welcome to join me, but there’s no Facebook group or email newsletter or detox support. The point is resetting how addicted I am (very) and slowing down how I spend my time with the people and work that matters most. It’s always a month filled with less noise, less distraction, and more productivity and fun.
I really admire your self-awareness and will power to realize you need a break and then actually stick to it! I’m a compulsive instagram checker. i don’t even realize I’m doing it! it’d be embarrassing to count how many times i check it in a day.
As you know, I’m doing the 30-day meditation challenge in May, and I’ve been debating taking a social media break at the same time. On one hand I keep thinking “I’ll want to let everyone know how it’s going! And I’ll want to have record for myself to remember it!” But on the other hand, I realize that kind of defeats the purpose of the challenge, doesn’t it? I’m not doing it so that other people will know I did it, I’m doing it for me, and only me. And I can obviously keep record of it on paper, which will in turn make me a lot more open about it, rather than editing my thoughts before sharing with the world, anyway.
So, after that novel representation of my brain going back and forth, I’m officially with you. I am stepping away from the Internet for the month of May. Thanks for the push!
The motherhood opinions get to me too… I see some of the judgy stuff in real life (mostly from older people who had kids a long time ago and probably are remembering wrong) but mostly on the internet like you said.
I tell myself often I’m going to do this and yet never do. I should though. Maybe I should start with a week, lol.
Thanks for the powerful reminder! You voiced my thoughts EXACTLY (you cannot believe just how alike we are, it seems!). I moan at my child because of her screen time but am acutely aware just how much screen time I have! Makes me a real hypocrite. A month of no social media (that’s Facebook for me) is a necessity… I think I should give it a go!
I’ve done this a few times over the years and for the most part found I didn’t miss it as much as I thought I would. I love this post and all your reasoning, I find myself falling into similar mind traps more often than I’d like.
Cheers to IRL living!
xox
Also, I just found this: http://time.com/3093332/5-things-i-learned-when-i-quit-facebook/
xox
Cluttered. That’s such a GREAT way of describing my brain so often. This is also how I feel with social media at times. I find myself eschewing twitter when my head gets too noisy because it seems to be the ULTIMATE in noise for me. I’ll flip through IG, scroll FB for anything personal and then tune out and go about life. I can so appreciate you doing this!
As someone who lives in an insanely crazy energy city, and is on call 24/7…I can’t quite get rid of my phone, but I can tune out of things that make me feel LESS or Upset, Hurt, Sad, Angry….whatever it may be.
<3
The only reason I talk about my blog friends when I’m not online? To share my utter awe/inspiration about how unique they are & how with it they are/hope to see them again some day with my IRL friends and Knight. Truth.
I am over all the opinions, the shaming, the advice giving and really, I’m sure you’ve noticed, my blog isn’t what it used to be because I don’t want to share as much as I once did, don’t want people thinking all I talk about is my grief & dead mom, or how hard it is to be a bonus mom (I know it’s hard for all moms), etc. etc. I take a break from FB every summer when my bonus kids are here and I love it. I usually let it go into the early fall because I don’t miss it that much. All this to say: you aren’t alone, I think you are wonderful and breaks are a great thing! (I’m with you, I don’t/can’t follow picture perfect IG accounts anymore. Life is real and messy, people! Share that side of it!) xo
I am constantly working to maintain communications for work, for socializing, for networking, for keeping in touch with family, staying caught up on current events etc. It’s NON-STOP.
Feel free to weigh in here, but I think the challenge with social media, at least from my personal experience, is learning how to be mindful and active rather than passive and judgmental or voyeuristic and insecure.
I’ve made two small changes in life that have made managing social media a lot easier. The first thing was to unfollow all of the posts in my Facebook feed that I didn’t want to see. Our attention is so valuable, not just to people who are on social media, but to the friends, family and colleagues who need us. (And unfollowing isn’t as harsh as de-friending someone) It’s okay to focus 100% on the people we love and who inspire us, our teammates and our partners in crime. That’s life! That’s beautiful! The goal isn’t to cut all negativity from my life, but to only put up with bullshit from the people I love and care about. The people who I believe will help me work toward a greater understanding of the world.
The second thing, which is pretty extreme, is that I use my laptop for almost everything (even Twitter & Pinterest), and I only use my phone early in the morning, during breaks or after work. To give you fair warning, I have lost my aptitude for taking a good selfie, so that’s a risk…
Best of luck!
Blair
Wow. This comment is AMAZING. I keep rereading it over and over. Thanks for the insight. <3
I’d like to do this, but ugh. My improv stuff is all managed through secret Facebook groups, so I can’t get out of that. And I love Instagram! (That’s the point, huh?) At the beginning of the year, I did stop “checking in” on all the IG accounts that I want to keep updated on, but don’t actually follow (celebrities, people I stalk (LOL), etc.) I have gotten back into that habit, though, which is not great. Waste of time, energy, etc. And honestly, don’t tell anyone, but I could take or leave Twitter these days. When the hell did it get so boring???
thanks for sharing … :)
Thanks for sharing these thoughts, despite being embarrassed: that I’m distracted and my head is a chaotic place because of the time that I spend online.
I can SO identify, and it’s nice to not feel alone in that, but also nice to know that I’m not alone in needing to take breaks from social media too!