I thought I wanted Gabe to be a girl. I told you that. (I was probably more open than I should have been, really, considering how anyone can read this blog and give me feedback on how I’m living my life. And…here I go again!)
Even for the first few months after he was born, I was thrilled with being a mom, over-the-moon in love with this awesome little person. But in the back on my mind, I still hoped I’d have a baby girl one day.
Even having a gender preference is a place of ridiculous privilege. I know this. I do. I know that plenty of women would give anything just to have a baby, let alone a baby of the sex they want. It’s stupidly privileged, really. And yet, I felt a pang of sadness at 22 weeks when I gave away the pink sweater my grandma had given us when she found out I was pregnant. She’d given us a pink sweater and white leggings for if it was a girl, and a blue knit sweater with an adorable coordinating little beanie for if it was a boy.
When I found out Gabe was a boy, my family was a little disappointed. I know they’d never admit it, since they happily welcome every single baby with open arms (especially the first great-grandchild), but out of my grandma’s 27 grandchildren (of which I am the oldest), only nine are girls. No one is quiet about the fact that they wish there were more little girls running around with all those boys (my grandma herself had seven daughters).
With this context (and having three sisters myself), I knew I wanted to be a mom of girls. Sisters! Cute girl clothes!
I…don’t know what I was thinking, really. Because being a mom of a little boy is so incredibly wonderful I can’t even talk about it without getting choked up. I’ve only been in this for a little over two years, but I want to follow up to that post I wrote about wanting a girl someday. Many people have contacted me about that, relating to me. And while I was being honest about my feelings at the time, I feel bad that is still hanging out there, implying that I still am even a tiniest bit disappointed with who Gabe is (or isn’t). In fact, I don’t ache or pain to have a daughter. Gabe is enough. And if/when we have another child, I will be equally thrilled with another Gabe as with a Gabette (maybe Gabriel vs. Gabrielle would have been more appropriate).
Honesty, I realize I let myself be influenced by what I had experienced (sisters!) and the cuteness of little girl clothes. When I worked with elementary and middle schoolers, I always enjoyed my time with the boys so much. They were creative and fun and silly and down-to-earth. (So are girls! But I had a special connection to the boys.) So far, being a mom to a toddler boy isn’t remarkably different from being a mom to a toddler girl, but let’s be real – I wouldn’t make a very good girl mom. I don’t like gushing over prom dresses or buying thirty kinds of nail polish. I’ve never watched a makeup tutorial and I didn’t care very much about wedding planning. I even had a high school girl ask me if I’m a girl because I don’t swoon over Ryan Gosling and have never seen The Notebook.
I love being a boy mom and don’t feel the least bit unfulfilled by it. I know if I have a daughter someday, it will be equally awesome (hooray for all babies!) and she will make fun of me for not knowing how to put on fake eyelashes and only having kissed two boys.
Either way, I have found peace and joy in the life and son that I have. I love him so deeply and so truly and would never wish for him to be anyone else.
(This post is more honest and…open than usual, but it’s Sunday. No one reads on Sunday, right?)
I read on Sundays :) You are a WONDERFUL boy mom!! :)
I wanted a boy. I was convinced I was going to have a boy. The psychic I visited whilst pregnant said it was a boy. All of the “old wives tale” predictors said it was going to be a boy. I wanted a boy because I knew all of the ways I could potentially fail with a girl since I am not “girly”… I don’t love shoes, I don’t wear makeup, shopping for clothes is a horrible chore…
I got a girl. My mom sent a balloon bouquet to the hospital & one of the balloons said “It’s a girl” and I started to sob. Still, she was my baby and I couldn’t change it so I did my best. When she was in her mid-teens, a family friend who knew I’d had my heart set on having a boy, told my daughter “well, your Mom wished she had a boy”. My daughter was crushed. (I don’t speak to that particular person anymore).
My daughter just turned 18. She told me, when we talked on her birthday, that she thinks I am a nice person but I “suck at being a mother”. She ended up learning about fashion and makeup and all of that from the neighbor (who had a daughter near my daughter’s age). Not because I didn’t WANT to teach her all of those things, but because she never even ASKED me and never wanted to do those things with me.
I’d planned for years that on her 12th birthday, I would take her for a special lunch and then shopping and we’d get her ears pierced. I planned that from the time she was about 3 months old. When she was 11 and a half, she went with the neighbor and got her ears pierced. I was heartbroken.
So, I guess I would say to you that if Gabe ever asks, you might tell him you thought you’d have liked a girl and that sometimes it turns out to be a really good thing when we don’t get what we think we want because what we actually get turns out to be wonderful. And if he never asks, you can assume it’s because he has no clue that you would have wanted things to be any other way.
I think this is a great post, because I think a lot of dads are afraid of raising girls and a lot of moms are afraid of raising boys. And I think the truth of raising kids is somewhere in the middle. For instance, I don’t really think I’m that much of a “girly-girl” and my mom is sort of the same so it works out. Maybe I’m that way because of her? You never know how your daughter will turn out. She might be just like you! In any event, you will be the perfect mom for YOUR child. My husband isn’t a huge sports guy, but if our son wanted to play football, we would totally support it and learn if it’s important to him.
I also think it depends on the age. Toddlers are quasi-gender neutral (a friend’s daughter is OBSESSED with Thomas the Tank Engine) but who knows how things will change? I don’t think having a girl or a boy necessarily guarantees you’ll be close to either one. Children are so different and you just never know. You just have to appreciate what you have and appreciate the here and now. :)
Ashley, I’m thrilled that you’re happy being a boy mom. I’d only like to point out that you’d still make a great girl mom if that should ever happen. Girls already have plenty of role models who talk about nail polish and Ryan Gosling! They also need to see that women are about other things too (don’t let high school girls be your litmus test for what all girls are like all of the time). And boys need to see that too. However many children you end up having and whatever their gender, you are a great role model. You are compassionate and intelligent–in my mind, this is pretty much the recipe for a good parent.
Thanks! And that part about not being girlie was a bit tongue-in-cheek. Don’t worry- I don’t think all girls are the same as teenagers! (Being one and having several sisters – I’m aware there’s all kinds of girls. :))
I thought I wanted a girl too. I cried at our 20 week ultrasound when we found out we were having a boy. The nurses thought I was nuts. They were like “but you’re having a healthy baby; that’s a good thing!”. I feel ridiculous and embarrassed by that now. I have a two year old boy, and I LOVE being a boy mom! I can’t even imagine myself with a girl. There is something very special about being a mom to a little boy; it’s hard to even put into words (but I know you know exactly what I mean). Maybe it’s because I’m his world and there is no one he wants more when he’s sick or just needs his mom. I imagine his wedding day sometimes (how crazy is that?) and pray that I can be a gracious mother-in-law! Ha!
What?! You never saw The Notebook? Aren’t you glad I didn’t get my wish for a girl when Mike was born;-) With boy#1 (Sean) I didn’t really have a preference. Of course, with the next two I thought it would be nice if we could also have a girl. The minute either Scott or Mike were born it didn’t matter anymore. They were exactly what I wanted. Your pictures are so cool–I want to walk down that trail!
So with you on this. All of it. I thought I wanted a girl and I’m so glad to have a boy. And I’m so totally OK with whatever comes our way next that I’m thinking when we are ready for the next kid, maybe we won’t find out the sex in advance. I don’t really need to know because I’ll be thrilled either way. Though, I reserve the right to change my mind once I’m actually a pregnant and it’s a concrete decision instead of a theoretical concept.
You just inspired me to publish a post I’ve been sitting on for a few months. Kind of scared, but- yeah- maybe no one reads on Sundays? Ha.
This was really sweet to read! What surprised me the most about being a mom is how much I love my cute little monster. I never knew love like this before! One moment I’m frustrated beyond belief and then the next I’m smothering her with kisses because I just cannot get enough of her.
This is honestly the sweetest thing ever. I don’t have any kids, but I remember two years ago when my SIL announced she was pregnant (first baby in the family in like a decade) everyone thought it was a girl and I was just OVER THE MOON excited. When we found out it was a boy a few months in, we all kind of crossed our fingers that the doctor was wrong, but of course he wasn’t. I’ll admit I was *kind of* disappointed… I really wanted to be an auntie to a cute little baby girl. But honestly? The MOMENT I saw my nephew for the first time I was head over heels in love. Now he’s just over one, and I seriously can’t imagine my life without this little boy in it. I’m in no way ready to be a mom, but being an aunt who gets to see this kid grow up and be such a close part to his life… I can’t imagine him in any way than he is. I know that’s only MILDLY understanding what you’re trying to say as a mom to a little boy, but suffice to say I definitely understand where you come from and it’s beyond clear that you would do anything for your child. This post was just so sweet :D
My first two children are two years apart and I had hoped that after my 1st was a girl, my 2nd would be also. I thought 2 girls, close in age, going to same schools and taking dance lessons together etc…well my 2nd was a boy and of course now I wouldn’t change a thing. My boy is my sweetest, most tenderhearted of my three children. Plus since they are close in age I’m glad they were not both girls…the whole competition thing.
I think it’s totally normal to have a tiny bit of a preference when you get pregnant… maybe some women truly don’t have a preference, but I think most women do. The good thing is: having a baby is (must be! I assume! I don’t know yet!) such an amazing experience that you don’t really care in the end if it’s a boy or a girl, as long as it is healthy!
My sister was incredibly blessed to have a girl and a boy – the best of two worlds, so to speak. But my Dad for example, who “only” had two daughters never regretted one second not having had a son. I think you make “peace” with this as soon as you hold the new baby in your arms :) and Gabe, I must admit, is a cute one. How can you not feel like the most blessed Mom in the world? :)
I *love* you for this post. I love Honest Ashley! Also, Gabette. best.
I think that once you have one, it just transforms you. I expected to have a boy and cried when I found out we were having a girl, not that I was disappointed but because I had to say goodbye to the boy in my mind. And now it’s so amazing to have a girl and I feel like I could have many more girls and I’d be happy. I actually worry about having a boy because I don’t know what I’d do! So you make me feel better about that. :)
Absolutely love this post just so much. And the pictures, they slay me with the cute. Just. My goodness.
Being the mother of a son is like being told a secret. I don’t know how else to put it. You see these messy, loud, floppy-headed boys running around you before having a boy of your own and you don’t quite get it. You have your own boy and it’s like, oooooooh, I get it now.
The very best secret in all the world, if you ask me.
This is just so perfect.
I love this post! I always wanted/expected to have a boy first so I wasn’t at all disappointed when Topher turned out to be just that. Both Nathan and I were expecting our second to be a boy as well so we were shocked to find out that we’re actually having a girl – I didn’t really care either way, but like Kathleen said – it was like I had to say goodbye to that little boy in my mind, and it was hard. I honestly have no idea how I’m going to adapt to having a girl. I can braid a horse’s tail but human hair is a mystery. I have no idea how to wear makeup, I have no fashion sense whatsoever … if she turns out to be a girly girl, I’ll be lost!
I can so identify with this. When I found out both babies were boys I was in shock. I had assumed with twins at least one would be a girl. It took me a few months to fully grasp I would be a boy mom. Now, I realize what a wonderful gift I have been given and would not change a thing. My boys are the most perfect children for me.
Couldn’t agree more! I’m such a girly girl that I always thought I’d be a better mom to a girl than a boy. Now that I have a boy I’m always taking the long way to drive through construction, pointing out the combines in the fields, cuddling on the couch watching “choo choo.” I was at a toy store with Katelyn last week and she was looking at princess puzzles for her girls. I was like, no way, get the trucks! haha. Who am I???
Of course, everyone wants to experience what it would be like to have one of each, but I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. I’ve never met a little girl that’s sweeter than Casey, and what’s sweeter than a guy in love with his mama?
I love being a little boy’s mommy! What joy that crazy man brings!
And this, Ashley, is why we’d be very good friends, let alone very good mama friends, if we lived just a tad bit closer. I don’t find Ryan Gosling very cute, haven’t seen the notebook and, oh yeah, ADORE being mom to a little toddler BOY! =)