Whew. It has been a crazy couple of weeks.
Let’s review some highs and lows, shall?
Good thing:
Mike and I took our trip to Hawaii for 4 days. It was the perfect amount of time, really, to be away from Gabe before I missed him too much. It was…really great. We realized in the past year, I’d been to Toronto, New Orleans, Puerto Rico, Washington DC, Chicago, and Hawaii. Not too shabby.
Bad thing:
I had another miscarriage the weeks before going to Hawaii. Yep. Again. Three months after the first. It was a bit of a drawn out process – three weeks of ups and downs (mostly downs). I have another d&c scheduled for Monday. I am jealous of women who’ve only had one miscarriage in a row. My bar is low right now.
Good thing:
Gabe got potty trained this summer (well, still diapers when he sleeps) and it was the easiest process ever. I expected it to be difficult, since he was SO opposed for SO long, but one day a few months ago, it just…clicked and he started going all the time. With all the other Bad Stuff going on, it was so nice to have some finally be easy for us.
Bad thing:
Money woes. I need another d&c for this miscarriage and Mike’s 3-year assistantship ended, so things are uncertain. It sucks to be able to afford to take care of a child, but not have the money to continue having miscarriages.
Good thing:
I am going to a female web & graphic designer retreat in September in Palm Springs! A huge leap of courage on my part (I know no one! It costs money!), but something I’m really excited about and I think will be good for my business.
Bad thing:
Speaking of business, it has been no picnic going through all of this while being self-employed. I am a bit distracted and probably scare people with how open I am about it. Not the most professional, I imagine. And let’s not talk about how very messy my apartment is right now.
Good thing:
Three days after getting back from Hawaii, I embarked on a girls road trip with two of my best friends. It was SO much fun to connect with my friends in that way. I think being adults with careers and husbands and a Gabe, it’s harder to have that completely immersive friend experience like we did as teenagers, you know? We drove to Chicago and got to have dinner with my sister (and eat pizza twice in one day), then drove down to Springfield, Illinois to be Abraham Lincoln groupies. Seriously.
Bad thing:
When you have two miscarriages in a row, you get the experience of dealing with the doctor’s office and insurance and billing a LOT. I am shocked by how not well oiled those machines are. I have to explain myself and my situation a thousand times in a row, and hardly anyone is caring or compassionate. (Well, my doctor and the ultrasound tech are, so that’s lucky.)
Good thing:
Mike and I celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary this past weekend – I got home in the evening after the girls road trip and he surprised me by planning out an evening of six courses of food and song, each representing a year of marriage. We talked and reminisced, danced and ate. It was really nice. I can’t believe it’s been an entire year since our last anniversary. Time is seriously flying.
Bad thing:
I hate that I keep talking about bad things. I don’t want to have bad things to talk about. I don’t want to be a sad person. I don’t want to be one of those tragic people who seems to always have some terrible thing going on, the kind of person that pops up in your feed and think, “Oh, poor so-and-so. But, man. She is depressing.” I am happy person, dammit!
Good thing:
Gabe. GABE. So much Gabe. He has been so kind and so caring and considerate. I swear he teaches me how to be a more loving person. I am so glad he made me a mother and I am in awe of him every day.
– – – – – – – – – –
….And that’s my summer. Some good, some bad. I am holding on to hope that 2014 will be amazing. I need amazing.
I worry I will be one of those sad people too though we can’t help that sad things keep happening to us. I don’t think of you as a sad person, if that helps. Glad there is good mixed in with the bad. It’s good to be able to see both.
It’s hard(er) to fully appreciate the good in life (little and big) when you have no perspective. The bad stuff is bad and I don’t wish it on you and I hope things improve soon — but, they certainly are giving you a platform for really enjoying the trips, the friends, the husband and the son (well, at least I hope they are).
And it’s REALLY good to hear your experiences with potty training. Gavin is so effing stubborn and fights all things related to the potty. We haven’t come close to trying much of anything at home, though they’re starting to push a little harder at school. I keep hoping Gavin has an “a-ha” moment like Gabe did, so all our not putting pressure on him is a success. I really don’t want to have to work with him on this one (that is, until he’s really ready for it).
I am so sorry. I never know what to say about these things, because I haven’t been able to try to have a child yet. I am glad you have Mike and Gabe as you rocks during this time. I pray for comfort and my goodness, for some medical staff who aren’t cold. I have no idea where they find these people. I hope as a future nurse that I am kind to all my patients.
Happy belated anniversary! Every-time I get annoyed about living in an apartment after 5 years of marriage I think, “Ashley has been married 6 years and has a kid and look at her adorable little apartment and get over yourself!”
Ashley, I’m sorry to hear it. I’ve had three VERY early (4-6 weeks) miscarriages (called “chemical pregnancies”, meaning positive blood tests but ending before viability can be confirmed by ultrasound). The last/longest required a D&C and it was so hard, but there is some peace in the finality of it. The silver lining with a second m/c is that you can get repeat-loss testing and it is almost always covered by insurance, for those with insurance. I also paid for karyotyping (not covered; between $400-800) and that’s how I discovered my issues: elevated immune response, moderate clotting disorder, and a balanced chromosome translocation. I assume with your “double-sticks” bandage photo on IG, you may have done this after loss #2. Learning there are things “wrong” is hard, but I believe information is a good thing. It narrows the path so you can focus on how to best achieve your goal.
I am so glad you have happy things (Gabe! Hubby! Travel!) to balance out the sad things. It’s not fair, but sometimes babies are really elusive.
I wish you the best! Hope we both succeed, and sooner rather than later!
Sigh :( I thought from twitter that may have been what happened. No miscarriage is okay, but two in a row is a real blow. One of my good friends had a baby girl (about Gabe’s age) then had 2 miscarriages in a row and then a healthy second baby girl so I’m going to hope that this is exactly how things go for you (obviously if I could go back in time and hope I’d go for NO miscarriages).
Other things: #1- I would never consider you to be a depressing person, I really can’t recall much else you’ve ever discussed that is depressing at all and I can’t imagine anyone would fault you for complaining about this, it’s something no one ever wants to go through. #2- I think it’s good you are open about it, I truly believe more people should be and it should not affect you professionally! #3- This kind of thing should be free bc it already sucks enough. Just my opinion.
Hawaii looks beautiful, I’m so glad you guys had fun and didn’t miss Gabe TOO much!
I agree, especially with number three. Having to pay feels like a twist of the knife.
Praying for peace for you and your fam. I’m sorry to hear about the miscarriage. That is just hard, no matter what.
Ashley, you are doing great. You have such a positive perspective in general, and I think you totally deserve to feel however you need to feel about your miscarriage(s). And I know how you feel about the money/billing/insurance thing. To finance my infertility issues/treatments (soooo many ultrasounds, none covered by insurance), I ended up just getting a credit card with 18 months of 0% interest. I know credit cards are often considered to be the devil, but it got us through the hardest parts without having to worry so much. We were already worrying enough as it was!
We have done the same thing. We also space our procedures out so that we’re paying off one before we start something totally new. (E.g., do an IVF, any testing and transfers, etc, then pay off before you figure out the next step.) This has also helped create spaces where I’m not cycling, which gives us, and my body, a much-needed break.
That is what we did as well with 4 cycles of IUI and 1 cycle of IVF. Pay for one, save up some more, and then decide where to go from there. It gave us time to pay for one cycle both financially and emotionally before we moved on to whatever was next. Fertility issues were THE HARDEST thing I have ever gone through, worse than my divorce (from prior relationship). It is extremely stressful and unless you have experienced it, you don’t comprehend it. In the end, we got our healthy baby though so all of the ups and downs were worth it. Sure was rough at the time though.
I wish I had something wise to say, especially since I’ve been in the same boat… Just sending love and prayers. I hope the rest of this year is full of lots of Good for you and your sweet family. xoxo
Good thing:
Good job on the potty training! Casey is so opposed to it and I feel like that switch will never flick. Good to know that it happened quickly and easily with Gabe. I’ll just be patient and wait for him to be ready.
Bad thing:
I’m so sorry that you had another miscarriage. You deserve only great things and I bet there are lots coming your way.
Yes! I am a big believer in making things as easy as possible, so I didn’t want to battle Gabe on it. Turns out, it was easier this way for us to wait till he was ready (I was expecting him to be 3 before it happened, honestly). Hope you have the same experience!
I am so sorry to hear about your second miscarriage, one is bad enough. I also think its horrific that between going through all that, you also need to worry about money at the same time. I am glad though that between the bad things happening you have also had some lovely times with your boys and the girls. Good times are food for the soul. Take care of yourself xx
So the part about Mike and the anniversary stuff? Totally made me cry. What a sweetheart he is!
You are so right on the girl trip thing post-marriage and etc. I miss those days of sleepovers and popcorn and silliness and finger nail painting. Glad you got some of that time; you deserved it.
I am so sorry that you are having to talk, deal with, think about the bad things. I’ve been thinking of you so much lately; hopefully the little positive waves I’m sending your way can be felt occasionally. xoxo
Much love to you – and prayers too – for more ups than downs in your life.
What you said about Gabe teaching you to be a loving person is so true – my lil girl does that to me every day.
hugs and best wishes
Ugh. So angry that you have to keep paying big bucks for another d&c with nothing to show for. It’s so not fair and I understand how that makes you angry and worried.
But on the flipside, I am so glad there is also so much good in your life… Gabe, Mike, friends and experiences together. I bet it’s tough to go through all the bad stuff, but with all the good stuff going on, everything is possible!
Oh my friend, what a summer indeed. Keep taking it day by day. I’m not going to tell you how you’re strong and you’ll get through this because right now I just want to kick and scream and punch things on your behalf because you shouldn’t HAVE to be strong and you shouldn’t HAVE to get through this. Love you fiercely.
And potty training! Woo!!
Oh, boy. YAY to all the wonderful things, and boooo to all the super bad things. I’m so sorry about your second miscarriage. I have no wise words; this just sucks a whole lot. I’ll keep you guys in my positive thoughts.
So glad you guys had fun in Hawaii and got some quality time together alone. I’m so sorry to hear about the hardships you guys have encountered lately. I’m thinking of you and hoping for all good things from here on out!
oh friend i have been thinking of you a lot and i’m so glad you’ve got little gabe to keep your spirits up. & i’m so glad hawaii was so lovely. sending all sorts of happy wonderful vibes your way. xo